Posts Tagged ‘PNES’


The Lenten Season officially comes to a close with what is known as the “scourging of the altar” concludes Lent. The betrayal is nigh, and the Good Friday awaits…but let us not skip ahead, but fall back to the week that was…and will be again.

Saturday before the Triumphal entry upon a burrow known as a an ass

A morning of flashbacks uncontrollably cracking through

beating my body like a desert hot wind against skin

cracking skin

letting the pain out

need to put it back in

Wonderful conversations

In workshops around

TheGood Grief Journey in to the New

What it means to be church?

Hold the Holy Silence?

Grow circles of Support?

Live through change–as pieces of Grief, pastoral care.

Holy Spirit things

Make it through

Lost to the wilderness…

Unable to resist

the pain renders through an already ravage system

Palm Sunday

Some say a Triumphal Entry,

Brother Jesus coming with those cast away from society on one side of the city

with dying reminders of the oppression of religion and Empire along the streets.

While Empire celebrated and marched on the other side,

flexing their muscle to bully and intimidate

Usually waving palms and singing Hosannas,

Folding crosses

and celebrating the Prince of Peace

Rolling through my own entries

Memories physically, emotionally and spiritually crippling

scant moments of lucid awakeness

before once more returning to fitful sleeps of thoughts creating

Waking nightmares

That have to be lived once more

what truly is one’s own entry of triumph

to sing Hosanna?

Monday’s Temple Toss

Human functions of worship

not used to include

but to exclude and bear burden

not to a sacred sanctuary but a money pit

a den of thieves

Jesus causes a stampede and throws tables chasing away

those that desecrate Holy Love.

Me and Little man,

convalescing,

still trying to get Pandora’s demons back into her box

seeing what will remain to work through.

Nothing creates sacred sanctuary

like a boy and his dad

watching cartoons

Discourse Tuesday

Where Jesus whither’s figs, talks with religious types and the end of oppression…

Body won’t let the demons reveal

it tremors with weakness,

still unsure if fully up,

after the recycle of harsh symptoms sans seizure racked my body

Shrink shows tools

that are of use,

to unpack the thoughts

and bring them to better use

An election goes

the way of awry

and people are left with depression inside

eating fries and sipping coffee

even your friend admits you don’t look healthy.

Why won’t the demons either pop or go back in the box?

The constant teariness is most obnox.

Spy Wednesday

Some would call it Holy,

but it is tied to the ending of ideals

and goodness…

of the oppressors plotting the End Game

for a rambling labourer turned rabbi of peace and love

perhaps a bit on the nose,

but it is a time of sipping coffee and inverting the game

plotting to build belonging

by shattering oppressive stereotypes

the demons are beginning to crawl back in

the one’s the body lets me deal,

crumble to dust

with the tools given

to explode the thoughts….

Wilderness time closes…

as we prepare the table

Maundy Thursday

Short form of Latin Mandatum novum do vobis ut diligatis invicem sicut dilexi vos (A New Commandment I give you)

The demons I cannot handle,

are locked away once more

for a healthier time to pick those scabs

A Day of rest

refresh

await the Holy Table to be set

and the water of the first sacrament to be poured

the words, A New Commandment I give you…

is the one to love.

Jesus showed

by humility of washing feet

to know and show love

The unfamiliarity

in the hot sanctuary

not what was expecting

yet the words around Gethsemane

and prayer

being awake and present

bringing it real

not just gospel story real,

but in everyday life

will we be willing to truly sit with

be present and awake with,

one another…

with ourselves?

 

 

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Mum

Posted: April 17, 2019 by Ty in Soul Psalms
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You were our mum

but you were Mum to a whole lot more

any child that came through our door

you would care for.

A listening ear

a hug

Boxing up hand me down clothes

to mail inter-provincially

a pantry stash of food

always willing to help a friend

or a neighbour who just may be a new friend

tea was always ready to put on

You fought fiercely for your kids

and grandkids

but held us to standards

of decent civility

humility

neighbourliness

nothing more devastating

than a look of

disappointment upon your face

you were a neat lady

craft and bakey

simply believing in love, and God.

You taught me the basics

I grew from that rock

Always no more

than a phone call away

for aide

a chat

a laugh

advice…

In the dark days

after the long fight

where your soul never gave quarter

of hope’s light

you were weak and weary

cancer teary

it was not cancer that claimed you

but cancer created ptsd

dimmed your light

one final night

I miss you

Your smile

laughter,

I hope as you look down from Heaven today

I am a son you can be

proud of.

From the Grand Tea Party

with Jesus and friends,

now the Nana to your grandson’s friends gone to soon

new light,

new laughter

new stories and adventures…

may the lives lived here

still honour what you taught to be true.

 

I miss you, Mum.

Medicine 20/20

Posted: April 17, 2019 by Ty in Soul Psalms, Spirituality
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A wonderment if medical staff were allowed to be curious with patients…

So long ago,

the anxiety waved

first tour done,

another to begin

mother with cancer

told no big deal, old news

take these pills

they’ll calm you too.

Wonder if time had been spent

discussing what was past tense,

and how it affected one’s present tense?

A tremoring hand

a doctor not wanting to dig

off to drain blood one goes

back the doctor asks no question

no quarter need be given

the answer he states

unequivocally

is one must drink more water…

with hindsight 20/20

one ponders if simply ability

willing

to play at curious

may have scuttled

what was yet to

come undone.


In just two months my monthly trip to the comic shop to pick up the new Heroes in Crisis Image result for detective comics 1001will come to an end. As this has aided a renewal in some fun in life, I have decided I should figure out another series to pick up and read. With news Supermans titles would be going weekly it became a bit too expensive to pick up. With Detective Comics #1000 I was piqued with the new storyline starting in 1001 and picked that up.

Though Tom King was the writer of H.i.C. and Batman #68 looked like a standalone story to sample. Well, it was part of the Knightmares storyline (part 6) of the deconstructing of Batman. I will try not to give any spoilers.

It was a fun story of a bachelorette night with Lois Lane and Selina Kyle discovering friendship and shenanigans.

Image result for Batman 68How can this be a Knightmare in deconstructing Batman/Bruce Wayne? Seeing joy is wrong?

No.

It is deeper than that, and for anyone that has perhaps journeyed through trauma you can get it. You become hyper-vigilant to seeing the horrors, and the catastrophic. It leads to constantly being a fight/flight/freeze scenario. You replay your life, and relive that which you have lost. For Bruce, it was seeing Selina who he had lost, and coming to the realization that there was nothing that meant more to him. The inability to feel/focus on gratitude it one of the biggest emotional numbing agents within PTSD before and during healing.

The other piece is in the conversation between Bruce and Clark, about the worst nightmare for Bruce. The quiet. Bruce hates the world that makes Batman necessary, but what happens if Batman is no longer necessary?

What is the greatest fear of the situation you are in?

Batman-68What is your major support? Have you told them so? Authentically, have you paused. I have written previously of the Jonah Effect, those that bail on us when crisis or illness arrive. Yet, how often do we truly acknowledge those that have continued the journey with us and been there for us.

The Knightmare was for Bruce realizing that which could possibly be no more, because he was too focused on everything else to let himself be present for the good. That is Selina.

Today I was proud to be able to share the supports of my wife, kids, 3-5 close friends, Dad and his wife that have continued on this journey of pain, sorrow, and now healing with me. There is gratitude which provides more healing. It was humorous and learning to see this type of struggle from our world shared in our current mythology.

Before you go forward, whereever you are on the journey, truly take time and pause–

Who are those that support you and you support them in the journey?

Assertive

Posted: April 11, 2019 by Ty in Soul Psalms
Tags: , , , , ,

A Psalm of journeying into the healing of empowerment in one’s life. A slight emergence out of the darkness.

Empowered

A new heart is emerging

up through the shards of the old

rose bowl

sludge is burning away

not just being mopped up

to spill once more

Care and advocacy

beyond others

to encounter one’s own soul

and holistic being

Light of possibility

Cracking the concrete

green embers

peeking through

the crackling darkness

solid stone

of the sarcophagus of pain

Release

Breathe

Wait

Like an old CD player on a favourite song

hit

Repeat.


What are you hoping to get out of this weekend? Is preliminary table talk at any conference and honestly, I had no clue. It fit my budget and healing goals. The still small voice of the Spirit had told me to click yes, and that’s all I knew. I was not expecting the amazingly courageous safe space that had been created where I rapidly bonded with folks, and opened up to answer “what is it you are doing now?” From the apprehensive mumbled sabbatical to the truth of a forced medical sabbatical after decades of walking with folks out of the darkness to home, and the repercussions living with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures as the Conversion Disorder of A-Typical Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

The sessions from Dr. C. Leonard Allen were a point of discovery, re-discovery, and renewal of learning. The Tuesday night talk led by Kelly Carter, Lane Scruggs and Jonathan Straker in regards to the Restoration Movement was another Spirit moment (and having learned about the historic biblical deism, it is quite a thing) …as discovering the Spirit is shaking and stirring many traditions outside of their historic homogenous roots and functioning with the beautiful mosaic blessing that is Canada (the world outside our front door).

The still small voice stirred, as a table mate would coin the phrase at our table as being “odd ducks” how apropos. Odd Duck. My mulling over the days had brought peace to a restless spirit inside me finally in the few quiet moments one could steal in the fun, learning and loving. It was true, because it was finally accepting not fitting fully any tradition, but being a child of all of them on a Spirit-led pilgrimage to discover living the Love of Jesus, and the soul of God. It is why my journey as the progressive Social Gospeler who was equipped at Alberta Bible College fit me so well, even though it confounded many.

But the full-on affirmation by many, to simply abide in the current Wilderness as I heal. Ensure I heal fully for it is possible, do not let the excitement of the new push away the pain. Rather place the excitement of the new on hold, so that I can exorcise the pain, and make the scabs into scars to move forward whole. Like I said, a courageous safe space formed in minutes like nothing never before felt.

And the added blessing, my wife, Shawna would chuckle about as I would come home with the question put to me throughout by different folks, “after you heal, have you ever thought of being a pastor?” or “stay in touch through the healing, and let’s see what happens with this.”

I came to the conference with no preconceived notions, it was simply a check box on a goal sheet for a course. The Holy Spirit knew better, and the still small voice buried in my soul became vocalized by new friends and mentors.

Thank you to all those who created community, fed the body, mind, and spirit.

Alleluia (yes even in Lent sometimes jubilation breaks through).

This piece had been submitted the day after the Summit hoping to make it into the Evangel (Alberta Bible College’s Newsletter), unfortunately it had gone to press before the Summit, hence I thought to share this here.

If you are looking for a post-secondary undergrad practical bible education and spiritual formation I recommend Alberta Bible College  (and not just cause I’m Alumni).


Lent. It’s a liturgical church thing, but also a deep rooted spiritual practice that has mainstreamed as well.

Lent begins on Ash WednesdayImage result for ash wednesdaywith a solemn service of mourning (technically with Mardi Gras of Fat (Shrove) Tuesday where we celebrate and clear out the larder). Image result for shrove tuesday

What is it?

Image result for LentFor some, they keep it pretty basic the fast from something (i.e. coffee, sex, social media, candy, etc.) and that may be part of it for the praxis of Lent comes from the Wilderness stories in the Christian Testament (if we want to you can create the allegory to the Exodus that Jesus time in the Wilderness was supposed to echo). It is a practice of making space to fully come into Communion with the Holy Mystery.

40 Days (Sundays do not count) from Ash Wednesday to Maundy Thursday (the betrayal night). Do not rush ahead for Sunday morning, be in the seeking and imbibing of Communion. Let the dust of the wilderness get your feet dirty.

Pause and reflect.

Image result for jesus in the wildernessThe Holy Mystery, our loving Creator God. This time in the wilderness is when Jesus drew nearest to his loving Creator, for he was able to walk and-or turn away from the temptations of the materialism and power. He was ministered to in Community to heal. It was a living example of two things:

  1. The Holy Eucharist (also known as Lord’s Supper, Communion) that which Jesus eucharist-3214782_1920shared on the last night. Bread and juice. Some say the body and blood, I prefer and think in the wilderness it resonates more…bread of life, cup of promise. For who are we in the Holy but blessed and very good, with our vocational life path of choices ahead like a buffet.
  2. The Greatest Commandments:

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[c] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[d] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

-Gospel of Matthew 22: 37-40

Everything of their faith was not about laws, wars, or prophecy it came down to the greatest gift of all:

L-O-V-E

God + Self +Neighbour

Rest in that during the time in the wilderness. Lent. Do you feel it? More than simply giving something up, though that is not a bad thing. The key is if you are surrendering something it is to make more space for God. To know God is to live the Commandments, that is loving of Self and Neighbour which are mutually inclusive (you cannot love one without the other) and that is loving God.

Which brings us back to making space.

There are secular practices such as the place an item a day for 40 days to donate (excellent) can be food for the local food bank, books for the local free library, or items for the local shelter (some get into the groove it becomes a bag a day to many different organizations to share blessings). This is more than spring cleaning, it is about creating space in your physical environment, it also is about helping others (and yes we have been dropping off loads of donations to the Calgary Drop In & Rehab Centre Donations and Recycling Centre to help our new neighbours exiting homelessness get good starts).

Then there is the adopting a new practice. That is either Yoga, Tai Chi, a sport, a Martial Art, a Fine Art, setting up regular time for sacred reading, meditation or prayer. These are good as they help to centre yourself, and grow your spirit. Excellent soul work, and a better you is better able to see the good in your neighbour.

One area though not talked about is electronic. Yes, one can note fasting from social media or Netflix (or cable) or video games…but I am talking about creating space, not just stopping something to dive back in.  When was the last time you really scoured out your e-mail? Old e-mails, e-mails not dealt with, the plethora of e-letters we get subscribed to? Just went through this practice, being mindful of what spoke to me, and brought positivity to my life. The simple act of getting a cleaner e-mail experience allows a daily practice of being more present while checking e-mail as to not be just responding to get to the next one. That is you can spend time seeking to understand, instead of reading or forwarding to respond.

The other is our social media experiences. Last night, I purged 1,400+ twitter accounts I was following…wow what a different experience this morning on Twitter. Actually interacting with folks that had followed me, as I followed them. The few key media or political or religious outlets I value as well. The dissonant noise of distraction cleared away (and during a drag in the mud Alberta Votes 2019, it was a fresh take on a day)…I encourage the same practice with all your social media. I have slowly and with presence started working through pages liked, groups and friends on Facebook as well.

The beauty of social media is how it keeps us all connected. The falsity of social media, is that relationships pre- social media that would naturally run their course and end now can continue on in perpetuity. Much like cyber “stalking” of ex’s and old friends etc. online via their social media accounts.  Part of the Wilderness is not succumbing to that which draws you off the path laid out for you.

All these practices create new wonders. Release old pains and sorrows.

They aid in the wilderness journey that healing can feel like. For it frees one of the past that can be weighing them down. For me it has been a blessing to have a physical-mystical representation of the past almost 3 years of discovery, diagnosis, and now beginning the healing. This is the blessing of Lent.

Each step along the way, being present no matter how bad, good or downright ugly it becomes for there is something better on the other side of the wilderness. To often we want to rush from Ash Wednesday to Easter Sunday SonRise. We don’t want to be lost in the wilderness, or betrayed, or the old to die…and have to wait in a mystical holding pattern. That is, the story is there to show us the journey of life renewal…

The question is, are you living presently in the journey, or skipping to the end?