A Caregiver Fallacy

I was blessed to be apart of the majority of learning/educational Passover last night, with the songs, the food, the stories, traditions and contemplative questions. As I reflected I began to build out in my mind and heart that we tend to misunderstand burden. The concept of release from burden when one is a caregiver sets us up to have interrupted or repressed grieving. For those unaware unprocessed grief can create the same mental, emotional and physiological responses as PTSD, even a misdiagnosis and mistreatement.

Why is this in mind? Well, I have played a role as caregiver with other relatives like my Mum and Dad, with various relatives. Though in the moments, and at that time in history it was and is being family. Though over time and even then, when the caring ended, as the loved one transitioned to the next adventure (as we would explain to my kids, the great tea party), some things always perplexed or landed wrong.

Yes it was emotionally draining, rolling with emotions and new experiences. Seeing my loved Granddad struggle physically with his emphysema. My Nan, who began to see the effects of dementia. My Granmda with her falls, and then in hospital in the last days where her mind had regressed to a point in time in history where I was no born, so I was either my uncle or cousin, but I still got to have time with her and show her love. With each of them. With my Mum as she journeyed towards the end with breast cancer, and her own mental health struggles. Same thing, it was hard emotionally.

But then the phrase, the essence being, “while isn’t it wonderful it is over” or “think of how much better things will be now”. Sentiments echoed with my own son.

Yet, NO.

It was time spent. It was time together. Yes, if our society did not have systemic issues of emotional constipation around chronic conditions. Emotional phobia of death. Perhaps these journeys would be more supportive by all. If our governments did not see citizens as the enemy and fight against supports or enforce constant cycles of advocacy to prove personhood… Yeah, caregiving is hard emotionally but it is being family. What breaks one’s spirit, heart and yes body, is the constant fighting with the world crafted by those elected that do no see the one with the chronic condition as person. That is the true draining.

And then because we are to see this work of caregiving (not the advocacy and systemic “isms” and prejudices as the burden) we are to be gladdened when the life is lost and grieving should be nicely wrapped up as the employer dictactes (no longer than 3 paid days if in Calgary, or 5 outside of town), and it better fit the description human resources provides as kin, God help you (and yes that is intentional, not blasphemous) if you family functions differently.

So as I reflect on my journey of family, as caregiver, my own chronic conditions. The support and story of loss, and what is reflected. I know the release, of unrepressed grieving. Of letting the tears flow anew, to understand that the burden was not the caring, and time with the loved one. The burden is what our systems create for proper care and support of professionals and ensuring those systems are properly equipped.

I encourage the caregivers, the personal ones, let us raise our voices. Let us push for proper caregivers allowances to reduce the systemic burden, to allow for our time with loved ones to exist so we can continue to care and together thrive.

Let us raise our voices for government to get out of the meta-fallacy-myth that citizens are out to defraud the system, and use the fact checker of the CRA at the end so that thriving can happen for those we care for.

Let us raise our voices, and stop the politicos and the populists and the anger mob from shaping the faux ballot box questions and direclty speak to those running and not accept the non answer anymore.

Let us raise our voices, and admit the burden that is being released in loss is constantly fighting for our loved ones to be seen as person.

Let us raise our voices, and celebrate the extra time we have had.

Let us raise our voices, and let the tears come,

for our friends lost.

And know, it is okay.