Posts Tagged ‘Grief’


It has been a while trying to put together reflections on the Aquarian Gospel or even complete the next installment of Great Crime Fighters Together or even some reflecting I would like to do on last week’s church scripture of salt & light.  Yet it has been a while. The reason? The Universe enjoys curve balls to continue the purging of the past anchors that hold us in port and do not allow us to navigate new waters.

Every so often these curve balls hit from the most unlikely of sources, and at the most unlikely of times. I have written about the struggles of settling back into a UCC congregation as an attendee this past winter-spring, because of the history with the tradition. But comfort comes slowly.

The hard part is not realizing the imprint some of the soul crud has left on my kids. This past Sunday we were celebrating the new ordinations to the Order of Ministry when my son would not focus and was quite emotional. Honestly, unless it is a sad topic, or one around grief/reconciliation this is not his norm for gatherings (and even with the journey of his foot reconstruction, he has been a positive trooper throughout). But I wheeled him into the Narthex (is my Angl0-Cath showing over that one?) to get him to focus on me and his breathing to calm down and see what can be pieced together.

This is when my son broke my heart with what his little soul let out.I ruined your life.” Almost 10 years on in this moment he released that he believed it was his fault I surrendered ordination.

What could I do?

Simply love and tell the truth.

No son, you didn’t.

Hug, kiss the top of his head and hold him.

This is what took me even longer to process through. For I thought I had let it go if you will. But there was a piece of me that rekindled the pain, not from my own path, and a battle of choosing inclusion over titles…no…the pain and hurt was rekindled because in the moment seeing the hurt in my little man’s eyes that he believed he had done harm to my life by being, well, by being him.  And that is not true. For it was time this week to process out the soul sludge of the hypocrisy and the venom that did me in.

Take time to read these words:

Scribes and Pharisees visit Jesus. They censure him for eating with unwashed hands. He defends his acts and teaches a lesson on hypocrisy. Privately explains to the twelve his public teachings.

1. A company of scribes and Pharisees came from Jerusalem to learn wherein the power of Jesus lay.
2. But when they learned that he and his disciples heeded not the custom of the Jews, regarding washing of the hands before they ate, they were amazed.
3. And Jesus said, Hypocrisy is queen among you scribes and Pharisees. Oh you Isaiah wrote:
4. This people honour me with lips; their hearts are far away. In vain they worship me; their doctrines are the dogmas and the creeds of men.
5. You men who pose as men of God, and still reject the laws of God and teach the laws of men,
6. Stand forth and tell when God gave unto the ceremonial laws that you observe; and tell these people how the spirit life is sullied if one washes not before he eats.
7. His critics answered not, and then he said,
8. Hear me, you men of Israel! Defilement is a creature of the heart. The carnal mind lays hold of thought, and makes a monstrous bride; this bride is sin; sin is a creature of the mind.
9. That which defiles a man is not the food he eats.
10. The bread and fish and other things we eat, are simply cups to carry to the cells of flesh material for the building of the human house, and when their work is done as refuse they are cast away.
11. The life of plant and flesh that goes to build the human house is never food for soul. The spirit does not feed upon the carcasses of animal, or plant.
12. God feeds the soul direct from heaven; the bread of life comes from above.
13. The air we breathe is charged with Holy Breath, and he will may take this Holy Breath.
14. The soul discriminates, and he who wants the life of Christ may breathe it in. According to your faith so let it be.
15. Man is not a part of his abiding place; the house is not the man.
16. The lower world builds up the house of flesh, and keeps it in repair; the higher world provides the bread of spirit life.
17. The loveliest lilies grow from stagnant ponds and filthiest muck.
18. The law of flesh demands that one should keep the body clean.
19. The law of spirit call for purity in thought and word and deed.
20. Now, when the evening came and they were in the house, the twelve had many things to say, and many questions to propound.
21. Nathaniel asked, Was what you said about the house of flesh a parable? If so, what does it mean?
22. And Jesus said, Can you not yet discriminate? Do you not yet perceive that what a man takes in his mouth defiles him not?
23. His food goes not into his soul; it is material for flesh and bone and brawn.
24. To spirit everything is clean.
25. That which defiles a man wells up from carnal thoughts; and carnal thoughts spring from the heart, and generate a host of evil things.
26. From out the heart comes murders, thefts and foolishness. All selfish acts and sensual deeds spring from the heart.
27. To eat with unwashed hands does not defile the man.
28. And Peter said, Lord, What you said to-day has grievously offended scribe and Pharisee.
29. And Jesus said, These scribes and Pharisees are not the scions of the tree of life; they are not plants of God; they are the plants of men, and every foreign plant shall be plucked up.
30. Let all these men alone; they are blind guides; they lead a multitude of people who are blind.
31. The leaders and the led together walk; together they will fall into the yawning pits.

-Aquarian Gospel 126: 1-31

Take time to reflect on the above words, writing it out from two perspectives:

  1. From a scribe/Pharisee hearing these words. What have you learned about values you hold that may need to be changed?
  2. From one of Jesus’ inner group. What have you learned about values you hold, but may not have been able to put into words as they challenge a status quo?

But also, like Peter in the passage to reflect on to follow, the idea that by taking a stand for equity and justice, that harm could be done to the other, that is the scribes and the Pharisees who saw the most vulnerable in community/faith family as okay to target.  Trust me, I am of thick skin, I ran in 2006 as NDP in Alberta back when it was a washed in Tory-CONS Blue forever and ever Amen, argued restorative justice with my MP Hang `em High Hanger and came out victorious by accounts in the media on that topic.

And yes, I know my challenge and throw down caused “harm” to those who wielded power over the vulnerable for I challenged their existing paradigm. In the moment, some would say I lost.

But to have allowed the status quo that is oppressive to remain in place through my silence for a title. That is not only morally-ethically wrong. It is the true essence of lost.  Never mind how by not standing up for the most vulnerable, how could I have ever looked at myself in the mirror? My wife and kids in the eyes again?

No, taking the stand for what is right, and holding one’s ground is where the victory is held. This I have always held to be true. My life has been built on challenging oppressive status quos, and I wasn’t about to let another one exists that directly impacted my child(ren) and remain silent.

Son, you did not ruin my life.

If anything, each day, each decision, each choice, has been a journey of growth, love, transfiguration and joy into the man you deserve as a Daddy.

What is the heart of faith/religion/spirituality? Making yourself and little corner of the world better for truly loving in at-onement with the Cosmic Christ within.

So are you ready to release your false values of tradition and live into the true (self) ones of love?

Bonus: A song that has been resonating on van rides with the family recently Brad Paisley Me & Jesus Music Video

Advertisements

This is an open letter to the Minister of Education David Eggen, and to the Calgary Board of Education from a father of a special needs child.

This is not a letter focused on the unconstitutionality of school fees; or the ridiculousness and injustness of paying busing fees when a coding system makes my son a number, and I have no choice where to send him because his local school cannot support him, although those are pieces of a system not seeing a full child.

This is from a father grieving with his young son over the loss of a best bud. Think of when you were in elementary school and your partner in shenanigans and adventures? Now think back to what would happen if they died?

What happens in the CBE special needs world?

A form letter home to parents and then nothing. You as a parent are left to tell your child that their friend will no longer be in school, or coming over.

What I know in the typically developing stream of public schools a death of a classmate, a school shooting would result in deployment of grief counsellors to support staff and students in the process moving forward.

But, the special needs world it is crickets we are met with. Silence, not even personal phone calls to the actual classmates families (c’mon you are looking at classes of smaller than 14); and then staff who are suffering in an abnormality of a child not out living their parents, and expected to still do their jobs same day and moving forward.

Speak of trauma? When the response is: well death is a normal part of this community. Pardon my language but Bollocks. This is about kids, pure and simple, that are there one day, and gone the next never to come back, and adults and students left to process or not process.

So this is one father’s plea. Please quit reducing my child to not a full person, he hurts, he cries, he can use support. When any child (regardless of coding) passes away in the school system, please please please, bring the resources around that community to heal and move forward. So staff, students, and in case of financial stresses, parents–can access on site support to help them grieve and heal healthily.

Because silence just perpetuates silence and silence is pain, and yes silence is neglect, and silence can be abuse.

We are better than this.

Thank you.

Sincerely

One Father who has shed far to many tears with his son for such a short life time.


It is interesting as one sits and ponders life. Some call it mindfulness, others prayer or meditation, still some rumination… what it really is though truthfully is being fully connected with your emotions and understanding the 5 W’s and H around them. This is a hard process when it comes to hard things in life that we face–illness, death, bankruptcy, finances, school, being a parent, being a support for parents, older life sibling strife/rivalry… Essentially any change small or major in life that then transforms into grief in our own life.

There are many ways to understand grief, their is the book Good Grief by Westberg; there is the U theory of change  or as anyone who has worked in life recovery knows the idea and practice of addiction is essentially a symptom of deeper issues so journeying with another while working on the 12 Steps are some formal ways to work through one’s past and emerge into the now.

There is always the recommendations for Spiritual Direction; Counselling; Spiritual Mind Treatment (Affirmative Prayer), Reiki or other formalized spiritual praxis that deals with the spiritual gunk that clogs our energy systems that once released can unburden our physical, mental and emotional selves.

But it comes back to our own personal decisions to understand one major thing: We are perfect and divine already. We do not have to seek out anything to affirm that we deserve the best and highest good. It is a hard thing to understand, which is why Rev. Marjorie’s talk at Calgary Centre for Spiritual Living today inspired this post. To understand that spiritual practice is not about making ourselves perfect, but coming into an understanding that we already are. She shared a simple mantra to be able to live in the now that came from a newsletter from Dr. Carol Carnes:

I am here,

it is now,

all is well.

And so it is.

-30-

 

 


It is an ugly emotion

Let’s be honest

we think jealousy or greed

but really, Grief is what destroys

it latches on to our most carnal desires,

allows anger to seize control of a system that is too love…

Our command to love neighbour as self,

in grief possibly we can fake loving neighbour, but as the anger eats away at our insides, we truly are destroying ourselves faster than any addiction or razor blade would.

it is the root, of self-destruction, much like the love of money is the root of evil,

but grief festoons,

simply because

with loss we toss about so easily

“it is God‘s will”

What a load

of bull shit…

for how does God deem one beloved matriarch dies, while a beloved patriarch lives?

How one Mum wastes away from illness in the cells and another from illness unseen?

How it become easy, to hate one’s siblings, blood or other

as senses heightened like a were-wolf

smells out the weakness

and attacks to props one self up as higher…

Grief is destructive….

Needs the consolation of a beloved grandmother…

yet it is Nan that I miss

as she smiles down from Nirvana.