It is an intriguing time of the journey. Navigating change. Navigating a reignition/recycle of severe health symptomology, and then feeling the drain away. High stress, the gig economy of academia, into release and relax. Exploring the holistic for far to much, especially in the West, we silo each aspect of our whole self (this is physical or psychological or emotional or spiritual) and miss that all pieces are integrated, and impact one another.
Yet as the rain comes down, in a dry and drought ridden prairie, one ponders, if the dirt being washed away, and the probability and possibility of new life it brings.
Takes me into the learning opportunities I have experienced over the last several weeks, from an educational Passover Meal, that engaged with the stories of the Hebrew Bible, and the concept of Amalekites. Those that had to be removed, for Israel in the story to flourish in the Promised Land (yes I am probably overly simplifying), a story that has been used as a weaponization of sacred literature in the current acts of Genocide by the Israeli government labelling the Palestinians as Amalekites. Though Hamas, inserting their own drive from the land call to action as well. Missing the colonial/settler dynamic of a world trying to cope with their own anti-semitic guilt out of the Holocaust that created and continued to perpetuate what is now a horror show, and needs not only a cease fire, but a true solution for truth, reconciliation and peace.
Then intersecting with a blessed graduation weekend this past weekend, where the exploration of the speakers on the parable from the Christian Testament, of the builder who builds on rocks, and bringing the story into context, context, context, of the Sermon on the Mount, and what it means to shape and re-shape our life and journey. To be open to moments of cyncism, to know there may be times we are going through the motions or show, but what happens when we authentically engage?
To the workshop on neurodiversity students before the graduation weekend at another school, that stirred emotions and remembrances of my own lore if you will. I have always exhibited traits, and before my micro-strokes, and ongoing ones, have a brain that works and processes differently. Some of this caused by anti-convulsant medication, some by just biological/neurology. I chose to excel at academics, and my creative pursuits– why? Simple, enter into my geeky fandoms, and be the brain, so when bullied it was for that, and not the wonderful world of 80’s and 90’s kids who decided to use the “r word”, but shifting gears, there was moments and probably not as bad, as I was also a well developed smart alyc 🙂
But still the remembrance opening.
And brings me back around to Passover, which produced the reflection of Caregiver Fallacy
A piece of what this part of the dinner reflections after the sharing of the story of the Amalekites, and then as was shared to me, from the teachings of Conservative Rabbi Moses Brandises of Minz, from the Hasidic notion of Amalekite as metaphor/allegory for things such as gluttony, laziness, discouragement and how this functions in our own lives…which leads to this idea of a simple poetic form:
What discourages?
When one’s mind fog rolls on
and simple to complex words and ideas easily shared
is it not easier to simply be quiet?
Can their be healing?
Not always the medical cure
but rather the communal justice
that shatters barriers
sees costs lower
and roll
equity, equality, diversity, acceptance
release
as physical environment shifts and change
as relationships grow
others end
cessation can cause healthy release
the physiological system still reflects the emtoinal and neurological health
weariness
constantly seen and felt
yet, begins to ease
though constantly dopey or simply tired
can their ever be enough rest?
Can relationships renew?
Grow anew…
As the spring rain, replaces the April Snow– sleet
Days usually begin for me with checking social media, and the memories feed of Facebook brings back recollections. Today’s feed shared this thought from 1 year ago:
192 is not simply a number. It is my brain rebooting properly. It is my wife and kids having 192 days of the almost old me back, no fear of Dad dropping and not getting back up. In 2016 I had a series of micro-strokes that shattered my mind palace, and the slow decline began from May-October 2016 to my b-day in 2017, during that time overnight terrors, weird flu like symptoms ongoing and unknown at the time overnight seizures… on my B-day 2017 the daily massive almost constant seizure activity started that took me out of work by October, and had the experts asking how I was still working or why I was not dead yet? A year of the unknown and heavy dosage for epilepsy would follow before I would finally be diagnosed with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures…then by February (and in between 3 bad drop seizures) when treatment would start, it would be added to with Complex and A-Typical PTSD, and a Conversion disorder. Two psychologists at the PhD level later– #roadtohalloween… I write this so maybe, someone who needs to get help knows, it is worth it. No matter what you are feeling, seek the help for your physical,mental, neurological or spiritual health (or all of the 4)–get that tune-up (check-up, physical); just book in with a counsellor or do the drop in at East Calgary to ensure all is well… if something is found, work with the team, do the homework, and get to the new you…its not always easy, and the new you may not be the same…but its YOU. So yeah, 192 DAYS SEIZURE FREE! #PTSD#PNES#Recovery
For those that have read my works Soul Ripples and this long running site, know what this is in reference too. My struggle back from the brink, the loving support of my (then purged) personal circles of support, and accessing the professional circles of support in recovery. Through love and support, I was able to dive deeper between treatments than I probably would have if I had been alone.
Steps in faith, answering the still small voice of the Holy Mystery, had led me in recovery to test the waters of my ability to think and engage, attending a leadership conference at Alberta Bible College (and then a summer intensive course I would audit). As an alumni a healthy reconnection, where I would meet a pastor from a small town church, and as my family and my healing were at a cross roads to maybe not walk away from the faith, definitely the church– reignited our passion for community (that readers will know of in my work and writings).
Unfortunately this cross roads also led us to a socio-economic reason for not being able to continue with our faith family there (gas and travel takes its toll when living on a disability stipend at that moment). We began to explore in the same network of churches…and would find a place to rest in Calgary.
Why this opening? As it takes me through the re-connection of that time of my life. Rummaging deep and spending time in the stories that mattered to me. Connecting again with scripture deeper, and my faith. Having confusion of relationships clarified with those that remain with you in crisis. It also reminded me as my mind rebooted and I became me again, the importance of story. How it raises questions, discussions, and aids in building community. True stories or fiction. Over the last few days thanks to Dollarama I have enjoyed reading the Justice League Darkseid Wars, which explores the concepts of good and evil, life and death, and what happens to one if they are given the powers of a god? What choices are made? Does absolute power corrupt absolutely?
See in the lens I bring to story, it is what can be discussed? Why does it matter? How does it aid us in understanding where we are at this point in history?
It was my way back out of the darkness of my own life, reconnecting with stories. At that time it was re-igniting my interest in Star Trek, and who knew the catalyst Vulcan, AB (Pastor Dave, and Vulcan Church of Christ) would play in the journey forward to 192.
Now 365 days later, 4 months away from another transition after an epilogue to one story, and beginning another. I continue the daily rummaging. Within the scope many say it was miraculous what happened in my life. Yes, as the path was laid out, community and family came around me, some things are still unknowable– but in the moment what I reflect on is that in those moments, those tears, those struggles in the darkness to find the light– there was the Holy Mystery.
Was it a proud my prayers were answered when so many were not?
No.
It truly was asking in the moment, and each step of the way what is happening? Why and how?
That is what brings me into the next reflection point, from Keith Allan Shields (2020) Supernatural. A scientist and a pastor I knew, and had discussed my engagement with scripture as story at different conferences, personally in our new emergent into a church in Calgary, he would take time with my son each Sunday.
But aside, a book like this illustrates why fiction and non-fiction is so important within our world. In certain moments, when we come to it where we are in our journey informs how we read and what we take away. In this work, in this moment it is reflecting on the understanding of the supernatural.
Do we take it as a atheistic-deistic view of impossible or coincidence? Do we enter into a hyper-super naturalistic view where everything is a manifestation of God’s intervention in our lives? Or is it somewhere in between?
As Shields’ shares personal stories of what could be seen as miracles, reflections of himself and others on where the church is at, and how things have developed. These are all pieces, yet for our own spiritual growth and practice there are two things that are take away (and I do encourage you to buy and read the book):
Science and Religion are not at odds. Science explains the how questions while religion explains the why. They inform one another (much like many aspects of our lives). Take time to reflect.
When a miracle happens or something that may be coincidental, it is not about simply celebrating that it happened. Really, take time to be in the moment, and reflect on what is happening with the Holy Mystery (for me I add within and through you).
This rummaging and reflection continued on this morning, as we awoke during c-tine, with my son being in the highest risk category, we have opted to continue attending church online. So our home (much like when it was the Rainbow Chapel) is a church once more. This morning we entered into service not knowing what to expect with the second part of the series, Closer.
Dr. Stan Helton, President of Alberta Bible College (the course I wrote about taking, was on Strategic Leadership was taught by Stan and there are reflections on the site tied to those as well) was the speaker today. His sermon was centered on, why scripture is part of our spiritual practice, and how to enter into a different way to read or re-read (ties back into that idea around story in general I was sharing that each time we come to the story depending on where we are in space and time speaks to us differently). The practice that was illuminated this morning comes from early Church Father Origen.
The key pieces are the 3 ways that scripture is to be read, as Origen tied it into the 3 ways the person was viewed in his time period. That is body, soul and spirit. The scripture was from St. Paul, 2 Corinthians 3: 1-6 (there is also an example from Hebrews, for the full talk (and yes it is worthwhile) go to the whole service here).
Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Or do we need, like some people, letters of recommendation to you or from you? 2 You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everyone. 3 You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.
4 Such confidence we have through Christ before God. 5 Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. 6 He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. -2 Corinthians 3:1-6.
This lays out the 3 fold way of viewing.
Body is the information reading point, as Joe Friday on the ol’ Dragnet show would say, “just the facts”.
Soul is the transformation point as it lays out for the believer how to live (a moral lens and practice of life)
Spirit is the contemplation (the rummaging phase if you will). This is the reading point where the mysticism enters into the energy that comes from God.
The full scope purpose, is that entering into the story is an experience of the Holy Mystery (and just as I have shared Ignatian practices and Franciscan practices around reading, I will also share the guiding questions Stan shared). For each of the 3 points, there is a question to contemplate:
Body- how does this text invite us into God’s story?
2. Soul- how does this text invite us to become more like Christ?
3. Spirit- how does this text invite us to experience God’s spirit?
Take time, and enter into the service, and Stan’s sermon (here), then take a moment and enter into Communion (practice as it is part of the service) but then take this re-reading tool, and be in the text:
On the first day of the Festival of Unleavened Bread, the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Where do you want us to make preparations for you to eat the Passover?”
18 He replied, “Go into the city to a certain man and tell him, ‘The Teacher says: My appointed time is near. I am going to celebrate the Passover with my disciples at your house.’” 19 So the disciples did as Jesus had directed them and prepared the Passover.
20 When evening came, Jesus was reclining at the table with the Twelve. 21 And while they were eating, he said, “Truly I tell you, one of you will betray me.”
22 They were very sad and began to say to him one after the other, “Surely you don’t mean me, Lord?”
23 Jesus replied, “The one who has dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me. 24 The Son of Man will go just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who betrays the Son of Man! It would be better for him if he had not been born.”
25 Then Judas, the one who would betray him, said, “Surely you don’t mean me, Rabbi?”
Jesus answered, “You have said so.”
26 While they were eating, Jesus took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to his disciples, saying, “Take and eat; this is my body.”
27 Then he took a cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them, saying, “Drink from it, all of you. 28 This is my blood of the[a] covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. 29 I tell you, I will not drink from this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father’s kingdom.”
-Gospel of Matthew 26:17-29 (New International Version)
When you rummage, where is the Holy Mystery in your journey?
Holy Saturday. The day of awaiting. The day of the unknown in Holy Week. When the gospels tell us the men huddled in fear, the women planned how to honour their friend, possible husband, and son through the cultural norms. The day of silence, of unknowing. The day when the Empire and the Oppressors were searching for those who were seen as “co-conspirators” with the messianic rebel Jesus of Nazareth.
The three days in real time, that those who were called friends at a dinner in an upper room, were grieving, experiencing anger, fear, anxiety— trauma of the crucifixion, as the powers to be tried to destroy (and appeared as they had succeeded) in snuffing out hope for being and belonging for all.
In Peter and Mary Magdalene’s mind and hearts I can only imagine the racing, of their love, and calling others into the life had now placed them at risk. Risk of torture, risk of death, and how far would the ripples extend? Would it just be to those that were part of the followers? Those that celebrated on Palm Sunday at the Triumphal Entry? Or would all connected to them made to be an example for the Empire on why you did not think outside the box? Or challenge the norms? Would all be lost simply by a choice they had made to be different? To be heroic in their own time?
These are themes that echo as I read the follow up companion to the Heroes in Crisis mini-series that touched my journey during my own struggles with PTSD. For those who may not know, Heroes in Crisis was a 9 part series about what happens when super heroes need help, the journey of Sanctuary, PTSD, and psychotic break, followed by murder mystery in the realm of healing for those that have answered the call to be heroes. It is now available as a trade paper back and I encourage you to read it.
The second volume, touches on the ripple effects out of that series, much like Holy Saturday. It is the follow up to the deaths. The follow up to the impact on the heroes left behind. Sound familiar in our own world? As we struggle in a pandemic? Watching those who continue to serve, and knowing the dangers, those that will fall ill and may not recover. Just like the journey of mental illness and health, physical health is the same, intertwined together and should, as our Indigenous brothers and sisters keep reminding us, be viewed through the heart lens of Wellness (ala the Medicine Wheel) for all pieces need to come out the other end together).
The same thoughts in the grieving process I can imagine Peter and Mary Magdalene, probably Mary of Nazareth, Jesus’ Mummy reflecting on, I too have held in my own journey and through the darkness to healing into the light anew. Knowing the pain and heart ache that can, and sometime does happen is it right to equip, encourage and prepare others to serve?
This is where we are in Heroes in Crisis: The Price. Oliver Queen, the Green Arrow reacting in anger towards the Justice League for failing his friend who has died. Wrestling with no matter the money he had, he was unable to save his friend. Think of our own responses in loss? How many times does Oliver’s sentiments echo in our own soul? Change out money with other skills, talents, privileges and resilience we have that came to naught when death finally came. Some may say why bring up these hard discussions, can you not read the room with what the world is going through right now?
Yes, I can, and that is why we should be talking about wellness. It is important, especially now. Understanding the cycle storms of grieving and change is important (google U Theory or Kubler-Ross’, also previous writings of mine show these) to know that normal things happen during these times of transition.
For Holy Saturday it is usually a day of contemplative prayer and practiced silence for hearing the Holy Mystery speak to us, as they did nearly 2,000 years ago to those hiding then.
The story unfolds more into the tale of Batman and Flash. Those who raise the question through the story of Gotham and Gotham Girl, about the appropriateness of encouraging and equipping others for the life. The life that can cost so much, that the meta-myth is that they choose to be heroes to protect their loved ones, yet it is their loved ones that continue suffering as a result of the choice.
“I’ve dealt with too many unsolved cases in my life. You and I have so many mysteries as it is…I can’t afford your lies anymore.”
-Barry Allen, The Flash
In the ruins of the Flash museum, still grieving the loss of his nephew and returned friend, Wally West, from Heroes in Crisis, Barry confronts Batman. It echoes the truth in human services, the many times we are left with the unknown, the incomplete, the loss and we create our own narratives to push us through. To be able to continue to function, the ideas “we can’t save them all” or “it’s their choice” or (insert your favourite here). All are truthie, yet all remove the humanity from the equation in the journey, the connection, the intimacy of the journey of healing, and the most importantly that to do the work well, one must see each person as having value for simply being human. Inherent and intrinsic value and worth.
When things are left a mystery, when we are unable to have healthy closure, or when we experience loss of life-
It takes a toll.
And this is the challenge for as the heroes left behind continue answering crisis after crisis, while trying to solve the death of their friends the truth of the situation echoes out. The work never stops, and neither does one’s own life and challenges running parallel. Yet in our own world of service we continually hear the false mantra of efficiency from neo-liberal governance “DO MORE WITH LESS” and we are left broken, for the impossibility and implausibility of it all.
Like Green Arrow’s question in anger at his friend’s funeral to the Justice League, “Where’s Batman and Flash, did he not matter enough?”
The truth was, he mattered, and the work was to find the killer. In the work, they could not let themselves pause, to feel the pain of loss.
Subsumed.
Unable to be with their own humanity.
As we await the new, in the darkness and the uncertain. We are in the house, like the first Holy Saturday, what world do we want to emerge in to? What are you hearing from the Holy Mystery?
Are we going to affirm our value in simply being?
Affirm and live into our collective value of being humanity?
My core values create the lens I view all aspects of my life through. I am also one that takes in information, critically analysis and through a philosophical discourse pragmatically chooses courses, paradigms and strategies for life, and vocational work. For some they watch me as a result and say that I can appear rudderless, no, I know that any course can do with correction, and if a course is leading me down a path that does not fit with my core values, it is time to disengage, and chart a new course.
I was on a course that seemed set for this 2/3 of my life. A great vocation of helping folks find homes, authentic belonging, my work was rewarding and had allowed for my family to build our own life and home in our simplicity. Then late 2017 unknown seizures started. Over time, testing, working with professionals, and many times when my family wondered if I would wake up the next morning, or live through the next seizure…a diagnosis and plan was arrived at– PNES due to A-Typical PTSD. The course was charted, and worked through to a cure. For the cure to stick, another course correction was put forward for me as I seek to re-enter the world of work, a new path needs to emerge.
It is reinvention. Which is during this path of renewal, seeing how my skills, education, knowledge and wisdom can create a new beginning for me…that thanks to the public library I would be blessed to read a copy of Arlene Dickinson’s (2019) Reinvention book. Which truly is not astounding for what it is writing about, it is one of many in the genre this Dragon Den’s host has added her voice to, but it aligned with some of my own thoughts. For me the metaphor used during this time was the interior castle or mind palace collapsing upon itself, and rebuilding with universal design to come back stronger and better than ever– just needing to discern the next path to making this corner of my world a little bit better.
The very tangible metaphor and experience she used to shape the re-envisioning of her company and path to align fully with her passion and core values (note strategic thinking and planning are not what shapes values, it is rather through the lens of our core values we shape how the strategic plan is refined and implemented for our own life, our vocation, our organizations/companies, etc). For her it was the 2013 historic Calgary Floor and the journey of reinvention and pragmatism that this brought (I was a part of the largest homeless serving shelter in North America that the city had no plan to evacuate but our leaders planned and we evacuated and reconstituted, my team was responsible for getting to our housed residents and helping them out while the waters receded– it was amazing to see our city live its core values).
This is the reflections as I pound the keyboard and pavement seeking the next step. Getting an opportunity to discourse and meet amazing people whose passion and values are fueling their work, and discern if I am to be a part of that mission or if another one is going to fit.
It is the journey that is as important as the destination, and what we discover about ourselves and those around us. During this time some relationships have reached their natural conclusions, some have ended under duress of the journey of pain and healing, some have ended for the health of my self and family…and some…are simply only tied to one vocational track, and as such evaporate when the track is no longer there. These endings are all healthy, for those that remain each day and each step are like a new beginning as they get to meet the new me, the me that is going to be defined vocationally in this second third of my life by a whole new adventure.
Blessing and opportunities…2020 is a mystery box waiting to be opened.
The last few days I have received my daily meditations from the Henri Nouwen Society, and they have been centered on community. It is a unique time of reflection as my life opens up for the new vocational call (I have pasted the 2 meditations at the end of the post for your own contemplation), as my family prepares for the Advent practice of reading the Gospel of Luke. I have read in my own contemplation the other two synoptic gospels (Matthew & Mark), which compliment into Luke’s take– all three focused on building the Kingdom here. That is stepping through the thin space, and making it a reality in the here and now. That is the summation of the Laws & Prophets that Brother Jesus lived, see… he created Holy Community by removing the falsely imposed barriers of society dictated by labels.
Yet, it was only possible in the realm of choice. It is complimented by two other experiences this week. One is David Mack’s (2017) Star Trek Titan Fortune of War that touched on how the Dominion War had affected Federation officers and citizens. The obviousness of the struggle of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder still existing in the 24th Century makes sense. See, trauma is our body’s systems response to what happens in the flight-fight-freeze and where our resilience takes us. Are we stuck in any one frame when stress arises? It can be caused by one event, or a series of events, can be suppressed from early years, or triggered by another health emergency that resets or breaks our self-care resilience regime up to that point and cause the entirety of the past to come back.
“it was like being in…prison, only locked up in your own mind with all the terrors”
-Barry Allen, The Flash (The Last Temptation of the Flash Part 1 now streaming on NetFlix).
Which was brought home by this week’s Flash episode, heading towards the Crisis cross over (google it, it’s a live action take on an epic 80’s maxi-series). This is the moment when Flash, knowing he is doomed to die in the Crisis (sorry dudes not a spoiler, ending is like established 35 years ago). The story leading up is what is going to happen, how he is handling it. The villain Bloodwork, is infesting him and tempting him turn to evil to save everyone. The Speed Force, that which gives him his power encouraging him to stay the course, and his family/community holding him to be who he is meant to be and supporting them.
What a powerful metaphor for the struggle of PTSD. Whether you have taken it in through anxiety-depression and it can be debilitating, or through a conversion disorder, that is debilitating. You have become like Barry, trapped in his own mind, fever rising, on the med bed needing to make a choice. Where do you go? What do you choose?
See, faith and God play a role in it. It is a bedrock of existence on what makes you you (and yes there can be bedrocks of values and faith that can carry one through that aren’t in this vein, but for me it is). The faith is represented by the Speed Force (who has taken the form of Barry’s departed Mum–quite a Marian theology reference if there ever was one).
This is the thing, there are many things that are placebo out there. That one can choose not to deal with their trauma by doing. Addiction. Hiding. Manipulation of trauma informed care, so that how we are becomes normal and acceptable, but we don’t have to follow the healing path laid out. Anger. Violence. Crying. Debilitation. Accepting suffering as normal for some deep spiritual rebirth experience. Using pseudo-science and other spiritual practices to absolve us of doing the actual work. Accepting that we will not have deep relationships, or that people simply leave. There is a bajillion reasons to not stare the trauma in the face.
Trust me.
I have stood in the darkness unable to see the light.
It is the crossroads of choice.
Our last temptation.
See speaking openly and boldly about the struggle of mental health carries huge stigma still.
Do we let the gremlin voice of stigma freeze us?
Do we let the loss of toxic community cause us to take flight?
Or do we decide we are worth it, because we are created very good and blessed, and it is time to fight through the suffocating darkness?
It is time to enter the cocoon. That point in time where we are dissolved to our primordial selves, and rebuilt into something completely new. Healing is not about becoming who you were, because who you were was shaped by the trauma and toxic. Healing is about new creation. New you.
Like the gospel story of Transfiguration.
It is done by the hard work. Work with PhD. psychologists equipped to walk with us through things like ART & EMDR to rewrite our minds, so our souls and hearts can be unburdened.
So in the Holy Waiting. The Sacred Journey. The Pilgrimage to the new centre of you.
“It was what made him deserving of the name, “Hero”.”
-Iris West-Allen (The Last Temptation of the Flash Part 1)
Standing in the heart of who you are, and knowing you deserve the calling of wholeness. Of Love.
And answering it.
For are we not, the hero, of our own sacred story?
Appendix: The Community Reflections:
DAILY MEDITATION | NOVEMBER 26, 2019
Community Makes God Visible
Nothing is sweet or easy about community. Community is a fellowship of people who do not hide their joys and sorrows but make them visible to each other as a gesture of hope.
In community we say: “Life is full of gains and losses, joys and sorrows, ups and downs—but we do not have to live it alone. We want to drink our cup together and thus celebrate the truth that the wounds of our individual lives, which seem intolerable when lived alone, become sources of healing when we live them as part of a fellowship of mutual care.”
Community is like a large mosaic. Each little piece seems so insignificant. One piece is bright red, another cold blue or dull green, another warm purple, another sharp yellow, another shining gold. Some look precious, others ordinary. Some look valuable, others worthless. Some look gaudy, others delicate. We can do little with them as individual stones except compare them and judge their beauty and value. When, however, all these little stones are brought together in one big mosaic, portraying the face of Christ, who would ever question the importance of any one of them? If one of them, even the least spectacular one, is missing, the face is incomplete. Together in the one mosaic, each little stone is indispensable and makes a unique contribution to the glory of God. That’s community, a fellowship of little people who together make God visible in the world.
DAILY MEDITATION | NOVEMBER 27, 2019
Waiting in Community
Christian community is the place where we keep the flame of hope alive among us and take it seriously so that it can grow and become stronger in us. In this way we can live with courage, trusting that there is a spiritual power in us when we are together that allows us to live in this world without surrendering to the powerful forces constantly seducing us toward despair. That is how we dare to say that God is a God of love even when we see hatred all around us. That is why we can claim that God is a God of life even when we see death and destruction and agony all around us. We say it together. We affirm it in each other. Waiting together, nurturing what has already begun, expecting its fulfillment—that is the meaning of marriage, friendship, community, and the Christian life.
A stone skipping across a pond leaves ripples with each impact.
The joys and life of traumas are the like the skipping stone through the generations.
Soul Ripples
What happens when the helper needs help?
For over 20 years Ty Ragan served his neighbour from the rough camps to the shelters to home and every where’s in-between. The simple life lesson of Jesus of Nazareth to love your neighbour as yourself was the centre question to be answered in his life. In May 2016 his life would begin to change drastically through unknown seizures and strokes.
Enter into the ripples that brought him to 2016, the transformational power of love of family and friends as he seeks new ripples in hope for his soul.
There are many four letter words that have come out of my mouth during this journey, and have been applied to my life and the ripple effects with my family. My journey on healing from trauma was supported awesomely though by having family it allowed me the space to heal. Not only heal, but make the connections within my flashbacks to trace core memories of trauma that needed to be rooted out, and healed to create the ripple within my own person.
It did feel like energy and electricity bursting through my body and leaving during the sessions. It was amazing as the weeks between would pass and different emotions of the spectrum would be felt- both positive and negative.
Yet, the work I did between sessions I would not encourage someone without a healthy in home support network to do…for in the isolation it could very easily go from healing to suicidal, it was a trip into the darkness and trusting the light path to bring you out.
Yes I am a person of faith, and that faith whether out there or subtle have played a role in my life. The same with this journey, and I am glad that in my life prayer and action go hand in hand, and the constant dialogue within myself and the Holy Mystery is there. It was amazing as I began healing to see the different opportunities that opened up for me and my family, the different places where we could connect for joy, love and healing. Where our faith would be rewarded, and where we could see communities around us come out of their own struggles into a new dynamic understanding of belonging as happened with our home church in Calgary in regards to the faith challenged laid down by my son to them.
This is the winding road. The ripples like upon a river or lake created by a skipping stone. The soul ripples that answered the question, what happens when the helper needs help?
They discover who their true family is (whether blood or chosen, there are many who journeyed with us, and blessed us communally and individually that I may or may not have mentioned in these two volumes, to you all I say thank you). You also discover your own true self anew.
It was this sense that brought me to the remission appointment at the Foothills Hospital with my PhD. Psychologist where the healing began on February 14, 2019. Here I was entering the office once more on October 31, 2019…
Not knowing what may or may not come of the meeting, but one thing was certain.
Today was the day; I could firmly stand in my faith, in my healing.
It was the day where the four letter word that had carried my family through the darkness was fully lived and embraced. It was a beautiful four letters:
H-O-P-E-
My step into hope of the new dawn of my pilgrimage with Brother Jesus as I once more stepped into the office.
A cynical writer-pastor would call Zechariah the coat tail or bandwagon prophet. Within 2 months of Haggai’s success (and one month overlapping) he is doing his thing. He is speaking to a people on a roll, but even when things are going well, people become disgruntled, we look back to what was with longing regardless of how bad it actually was. This is seen in addictions, domestic violence, populist political movements, was even part of the story of the people of Israel fleeing Exodus these former slaves looked back on Egypt with longing. As Pastor Dave Sarsons, at Vulcan Church of Christ asked one Sunday morning, “what is your Egypt?”
That is what are we looking back for, misremmebering in longing that is holding us back from moving forward.
This is where Zechariah is, with the slow rebuild, as he creates the image of the re-established Temple. Yet Zechariah is like the Paul of the Hebrew Scriptures. The whole 14 chapters is not by his hand. Rather Chapters 1-8 are Zechariah, while the remaining chapters are his disciples and followers keeping up the work. For the more academic, themes from major prophets (because their books are so long) are “borrowed” or built upon, these prophets are Isaiah, Jeremiah, and Ezekiel.
What has been lost within pop culture with our reboots, and within society, is the concept of Legacy. That is what Zechariah lends itself to. With the second half building on the first, and then the Gospel writers, ala Matthew, building upon that. It is like the Pre-New52 DC Universe Flash Family, or Doctor Who. One used to be able to say Star Trek, then Kelvin happened.
But, off the rabbit trail, the bridging thoughts are this:
3 Thus says the Lord: I have returned to Zion and will dwell in the midst of Jerusalem, and Jerusalem shall be called the faithful city, and the mountain of the Lord of hosts, the holy mountain.4 Thus says the Lord of hosts: Old men and old women shall again sit in the streets of Jerusalem, each with staff in hand because of great age.5 And the streets of the city shall be full of boys and girls playing in its streets.
-Zechariah 8:3-5 (English Standard Version)
It is unique the image that is thrown down to keep the momentum is one of what the people deserve- peace, security, happiness– the things that can trigger a relapse in individuals out of either fear of failure, or more aptly, fear of success or contentment. Is it possible that the momentum was slowing after Haggai, simply because the people had no grounding in what it meant to actually live and thrive, after years and generations of being objects and in survival mode? Zechariah, and his followers had to exorcise a communal trauma from the people and heal a shared complex PTSD.
The disciples of Zechariah, show what happens, what is this they had once been yearning for. The non-romanticized past. Anyone who studies history currently knows a black and white lens for historical reflection and learning is a failed lens. To understand and convert historic knowledge to current wisdom, one must get the full scope story– warts, atrocities and all…this is what the disciples were doing in 11:13:
13 Then the Lord said to me, “Throw it to the potter”—the lordly price at which I was priced by them. So I took the thirty pieces of silver and threw them into the house of the Lord, to the potter.
Potter, also translated as treasury. See the 30 shekels (silver) is the price for a slave. It was also used within the Gospel of Matthew for the sell-out price of Jesus from Judas. An allusion was built upon this concept from Zechariah, when the religious oppressors use it to buy a burial ground for the outcast called potter’s field.
See, what is being said? The disciples are reminding the people that they are blessed, they Belong.
It is time to turn away from “Egypt” or “Babylon” or “Yesteryear” it is time to come HOME.
Zechariah is the continuing encouragement of a people re-settling, and as the onion of trauma is peeled, each past that they wanted back, was challenged and shown to be false. They were, as a people, rebuilt to the holy-sacred beings and community they are:
20 And on that day there shall be inscribed on the bells of the horses, “Holy to the Lord.” And the pots in the house of the Lord shall be as the bowls before the altar.21 And every pot in Jerusalem and Judah shall be holy to the Lord of hosts, so that all who sacrifice may come and take of them and boil the meat of the sacrifice in them. And there shall no longer be a trader[a] in the house of the Lord of hosts on that day.
-Zechariah 14:20-21 (ESV)
It closes with a strong reminder– everything is sacred, for everything is within God, and God is within everything.
Paul Vargis
Ty
Holy Saturday. The day of awaiting. The day of the unknown in Holy Week. When the gospels tell us the men huddled in fear, the women planned how to honour their friend, possible husband, and son through the cultural norms. The day of silence, of unknowing. The day when the Empire and the Oppressors were searching for those who were seen as “co-conspirators” with the messianic rebel Jesus of Nazareth.
It is reinvention. Which is during this path of renewal, seeing how my skills, education, knowledge and wisdom can create a new beginning for me…that thanks to the public library I would be blessed to read a copy of Arlene Dickinson’s (2019) Reinvention book. Which truly is not astounding for what it is writing about, it is one of many in the genre this Dragon Den’s host has added her voice to, but it aligned with some of my own thoughts. For me the metaphor used during this time was the interior castle or mind palace collapsing upon itself, and rebuilding with universal design to come back stronger and better than ever– just needing to discern the next path to making this corner of my world a little bit better.
A Monk's Musings 